I struggled with lust and pornography from a young age of 12. I was exposed to a drug that made me sick for many years. It stole from me in so many ways, and I allowed it. I covered up for it. I kept secretly indulging. It affected my confidence, my marriage and my ability to be there for others. I regretted it every time because I knew the kind of man I wanted to be. I desperately wanted to be free of it, yet I desperately wanted to hide it and indulge. “The thing I do not want to do I do and the thing I want to do I do not do” (Romans 7:15). At the age of 32 I could see that this wasn’t helping me at all. I could see how much of a hypocrite it made of me. I hated myself after it. The problem with porn went three ways: Faith, marriage and society. Porn affects three areas: my walk with God, my relationship with Lauren, and my ability to be authentic in community.
The Bible addresses sexual immorality directly. There is no place for it in the life of a believer. Prayer is a conversation with God. Sin is going against God. Knowingly going into a prayer conversation with someone that you know you’ve wronged, makes for a very awkward conversation. You just don’t pray as you should. Instead you want to avoid it all together. That is the problem. Prayer is supposed to prevent habitual sin. It’s supposed to be the place where you find strength. There is no strength for the half-hearted prayers and there is no way you can pray with conviction if you know that you’re intentionally. As you can tell, it simply doesn’t work well.
It also doesn’t work well when you tell someone that you love them and that you are committed to them, yet you’re keeping secrets and you’re secretly fantasizing. It was a terrible thing to process. How do you explain that? I tried and I couldn’t. I’m just so blessed to have married someone who truly loves me and wanted to see me be free. Lauren continually pushed me to open up about it. To find help. I was too ashamed. I tried but never did enough to kill the secret struggle. Intimacy in marriage requires purity and mental clarity, and this was clouding my mind. Despite this struggle Lauren kept supporting me. She knew that this was something I wanted in my life, but in her own way understood that it was like a drug and I was an addict.
With all of this, it becomes incredibly hard to play your part in a community. You know the kind of man you’d like to be, but you also know that you are a fraud. That hurts if you desire authenticity from others and struggle to live it yourself. So, you shy away. You keep a low profile and you keep on going back to the same shit. I grew tired of this, but that was not how I overcame this. In fact I couldn’t overcome it on my own.
The habit broke when I moved to Ceres. I found something here that I never expected. I saw strong men being vulnerable. Not shying away from their mistakes. Men who said, I need help, I’m struggling. I was reminded of the bible verse that says: “My strength is made perfect in your weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). The key to winning is not a false display of strength. It is a heartfelt cry for help when you are at your weakest. I cried and called out to the Lord. He said “confess your sins to one another, and pray for each other that you may be healed.”. I was actually sick. Not addicted. I needed a deeper healing. I needed to deal with the source of the problem.
Though I was a believer for many years, I never truly understood the parable in Matthew 13: “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.” - Matthew 13:44. I was still holding on to my image like a treasure. I was more concerned about what people would think of me than my healing. So instead of giving up my image, I held it high, despite being weak, sick and addicted. The day I realised that my pride was standing in the way of my healing I openly started speaking about my struggle.
I prayed many days and asked Jesus to remove this desire from me. I know now that he never wanted to remove it. He wanted me to be victorious. Because if you look at his life, he was. He never sinned. He never allowed his desires to lead him into the wrong things. So after many years of struggles, I can say that I am victorious. I have conquered this addiction. I no longer run to it. I am free. I’ve been free for a few years now and I wanted to share this with you, so that you know. You can be free too, but not on your own terms, you have to follow his ways.
The freedom I’m talking about here is not an event. It is a lifestyle of realising your weakness and consistently being transparent about your thoughts and desires. Addiction starts as a slow trickle and if you leave it flowing, it becomes a river.